Mentoring—Our duty to our children
and our gift to the community

In 2003 Kevin Drewery took the position of Religious Education Coordinator at theUnitarian Universalist Congregation of Las Vegas

Good Morning!

I want to express how grateful I am this morning to have this opportunity to talk to you about this very dear subject.

I hope you have experienced a wonderful holiday season so far. Whether you’re a week into the solstice. You’re in the forth day of Christmas, or, are celebrating Kwanzaa , I wish you well.

Today’s message closely relates to the 5th day of Kwanzaa, Nia (Purpose). On Nia, families discuss how they can make their collective vocation the building and developing of their community in order to restore their people to their traditional greatness.

In her book, The Gift of Faith: Tending to the Spiritual Lives of Children, Jeanne Harrison Nieuwejaar writes: In recent years we have heard so often, and in so many contexts, the phrase, “It takes a whole village to raise a child.” Nowhere is it more true than in the discussion of the religious nurture of children. Community is the central part of this nurture for many reasons: for the support and ongoing religious education of the parents; for the embodiment and transmission of tradition, ritual, and story; and for the modeling and teaching offered by others in religious community. But the most important reason is tha t to be a religious or spiritual being means to be in a relationship with others.”

Jeanne makes reference to the African proverb that Hillary Clinton made popular several years ago. This morning I’m going to be talking about how we, as Unitarian Universalists, can do our part to implement it. I will focus on two examples. Coming of Age programs and mentoring. Each of these programs gives our youth opportunities to establish healthy connections with adults in our congregations while giving them a chance to see how adults incorporate the seven principles into their lives.

As a child-free Unitarian Universalist I must admit that until-about-three years ago, I claimed no personal responsibility for the spiritual well-being of the children in the congregation that I’m a member of-nor did I even think about them much. That opinion was dramatically transformed after I was asked to be a Coming of Age mentor for an eighth grade youth.

It’s funny, now, looking back to that time. I recall sitting in the Sanctuary of our congregation six months earlier while that year’s Coming of Age class did their “graduation” worship service. I remember thinking that it would really be great to be asked to serve as a mentor. I also remember thinking that it would probably never come to pass because it would take years before I would have been a member long enough to learn all about what it means to be Unitarian Universalist. I wasn’t a theologian or a historian so I didn’t feel comfortable about my knowledge of origins of our denomination.

Six month’s later I was approached by the Director of Religious Education, Natalie Fenimore, and asked if I would be interested in serving as a mentor. My first question was why me? Surely there were other members of the congregation with “better” UU credentials. Her reply was simple. There is a youth that has an interest in earth-based spirituality, as well as, Unitarian Universalism. She and the youth felt that I would be a perfect choice.

Now is probably a good opportunity for me to tell you about what the Coming of Age program is. First off, let me say that each church’s program is different. Each mentor’s approach will be different. The description I’m going to give is that of this year’s Coming of Age program coordinator at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Silver Spring.

This special program was designed to help our eighth grade youth expand their knowledge about Unitarian Universalism, UUCSS, themselves and an adult member of the congregation whom they select as a Mentor for the program. Beginning in January our Coming of Agers will use the guidance and support of caring adults (our Minister, our Director of Religious Education, their selected mentors and myself):

• To clarify their personal values and beliefs ,
• To learn more about the history, philosophy and structure of Unitarian Universalist Association and the Unitarian Universalist Church of Silver Spring
• To spend time with and have the guidance of their personal mentor, and
• To have a variety of opportunities to put their beliefs into practice

The Coming of Age Program officially ends in May with a community Worship Service (led by the Coming of Agers and their Mentors) to honor the young people who have completed this program. Prior to the mentor selection process, we discuss with potential mentors all of the joys, benefits, and enlightenment that adult mentors can experience as a part of this program. There is an honest, but not scary, discussion of what kind of time commitment would be asked of each adult if selected as a mentor. Following that meeting, we meet with the eight grade youth and their parents. We provide them a rough draft of the schedule for the group activities. The Coming of Agers will meet once a month during regularly scheduled RE class time. We let them know that there will be: fun, one group social action project, pizza, learning, soft drinks, sleep over, movie/s, discussion about the history of our church and the denomination, at least one really cool craft project, worship service.

Why is all of this so rewarding and important?

The Coming of Age program gives each participating youth an opportunity to establish a healthy connection to an adult member of the congregation while establishing their own Unitarian Universalist identity. Each person (youth and adult alike) gets the opportunity to really think about the seven principles and how we either do, or can, put them into practice in our lives.

Frank A. Clark once said, “Every adult needs a child to teach; it's the way adults learn.”[1] My experience as a mentor validates this statement. One of the joys I experience while serving as mentor was the opportunities my mentees gave me to learn about my own faith.

And yes, I just realized that I said “mentees” plural, instead of “mentee” singular. You see, I had the opportunity last year to serve as a mentor again.

During my times as a mentor, each youth I was working with had many opportunities to ask me about; what I believed. What our seven principles meant to me. How did I incorporate them into my life. How do I address issues and situations that put my faith, and the principles, into question. Fortunately, for both of us, there were times when I didn’t have a ready answer. There were times when I needed time to think about the question and provide the mentee with a thought-out answer. During this process, my own faith grew stronger. Being a Coming of Age mentor reaffirmed how important each of our principles really are.

In each of my mentoring opportunities, the youth had an opportunity to connect with an adult member of the congregation who wasn’t their parent. Why is this so important? As youth are going up from pre-teens through their teens, they are beginning to solidify their independence and staring to establish who they are, and start working on who it is they hope to become. This time, for many adolescents, can be a very turbulent time for the relationship they have with their parents or guardians. The ability to work with a mentor gives them an opportunity to establish a healthy bond with an adult other than the parent. Make no mistake, the mentor is not supposed to be a substitute for, or a go between for either the youth or the parents.

First off, each mentor is screened by the director of religious education to make sure that there will be no safety issues with that adult working with a youth from the congregation. Second, private meetings between the mentor and mentee are discouraged unless they can happen in a public place (like a restaurant, the youth’s home (with the parent or guardian nearby), or some other creative idea that won’t involve putting either the youth or the adult at risk). Third, all mentors are given instructions, like any adult entrusted with working with children and youth in our programs, one primary rule. If, during the course of their activities with the youth, they hear, or di scover anything that leads them to believe that the youth they’re working with is in danger, either to themselves or by others, or is a victim of physical or sexual abuse, they are required to report it to the Director of Religious Education immediately. This policy safeguards the youth as well as the adult working with the youth.

Why is the opportunity for this mentoring experience such a big deal? Right now, our denomination is putting considerable energies and much needed financial resources towards the “Mind the Gap” campaign. The focus of this campaign is to make sure that we improve our ability to retain high-school age youth and young adults in our congregations. This is a very important program that truly deserves more attention. ; At the same time must also look at ways that we can prevent the Gap.

For those UUs may not have any children in our religious education programs, let me tell you something you need to consider: You do. You do have children in your congregation’s RE program. We’re Universalists—we affirm that we are all, ALL, truly sisters and brothers—or at least cousins. That means we are direct relations, blood (DNA) relations, of every child in our RE programs—and the world but the RE Program is right here so let’s just consider it for now. They are ALL my children. The y are all your children. The larger society in which you and I find ourselves does not accept this principle. But it’s a founding tenet of ours as UUs – They are all my children. They are ALL your children.

Let me now take a moment to give you my basic perception of how UU RE Programs are typically organized. There are stories, activities, and craft projects designed to keep them engaged and they can learn very important lessons about what it means to be a UU. The curricula for our children and youth are constantly being reviewed to make sure that they are current and effective. From preschool age through middle-school grades, we typically talk AT them during religious education classes. Though at these early ages, that’s about all they can handle.

As youth grow into their teens, specifically freshman year of high school, they are invited (and encouraged, cajoled and otherwise leaned on) to join the congregation’s YRUU—an acronym for Young Religious Unitarian Universalists-- the successor organization to Liberal Religious Youth (or LRY). Once, they join the YRUU, they immediately notice a major change in the way their RE curricula is delivered. The major change , of course, is youth empowerment. In the YRUU, within some very basic, easily complied with rules set and enforced by the members of the YRUU and their advisors, the youth deliver their own RE program and experience to each other; to themselves. And it can turn into a real empowering, enabling, and transformative experience of some lucky young people. In the YRUU, the youth are, spoken at, less, and guided more towards youth empowerment. This is a model of religious education where the youth lead the activities, with adults assisting as advisors. The youth are offered the freedom to lead the dialog, activities, and direction of the group within, hopefully, the parameters of what youth at the continental (national) level have considered to be the five essential elements of a balanced youth program. They are: worship, community building, social action, learning and leadership. Until youth reach YRUU age, they aren’t given much opportunity for dialog abo ut their faith and their lives. This is why, when many of our children and youth are asked, “What do you Unitarian Universalists believe in?” you give the answer. “We can believe whatever we want!” An answer that is as scary as it is flawed-especially to a 10 year old.

Mentoring opportunities and Coming of Age programs help to redraw the seven UU Principles into perspective for youth members. This is our opportunity to remind them, both through words and our actions as adults Unitarian Universalists, that we do believe:

• Every person is important and valuable.
• All people should be treated fairly.
• Our churches are places where we should accept one another and learn together.
• Each person should be free to search for what is true and right for him or her.
• All people have the right to speak out and vote on things that matter to them.
• We should help build a peaceful, fair, and free world.
• We need to take care of the earth, the home we share with all living things.[2]

We live in a society that has a history of dismissing, discarding, and marginalizing youth. Given the experience many youth face outside of the safety of our “four walls”, and sometimes them, Skepticism and mistrust of adults and our faith can germinate. Mentoring and Coming of Age programs help to give us opportunities to fix what damage may have occurred. Or to prevent mistrust from building. And , most importantly, give us the opportunity to say to our children and youth that as Unitarian Universalist we believe that these principles are ageless.

Now it’s time we address the question “What’s in it for me?” ; By that, I mean, what do our congregations stand to gain for this new or additional direction of our religious education programs and the missions of our congregations? Yes, you did notice that I didn’t just leave this responsibly, this task, this calling (if you will) to the sole responsibility of the religious education committees and educators. I feel that the successful implementation of these programs, and R.E. in general, is a congregational responsibility for which each and every one of us has a personal responsibility to meet.

Just as we adults are better people for trying to live our lives as closely as humanly possible to the seven principles, so will our children and youth. The difference is, we have the opportunity to give them this moral compass at the earliest possible time in their lives. As they enter the post-high school world with this tool, they will be better able to do as Nancy Wood wrote:

Hold on to what is good
    even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe
    even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do
    even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life
    even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when
    I have gone away from you.[3]

Even though I am not a parent of children of my own, I consider myself to be part of the community parenting pool for the children of our denomination. As such, I can think of no better skills to give them in order to help prepare them for the world they will see as adults.

Just as these skills help our children, our families, and our congregations, they help to improve the future of the communities of which we are a part. Evangelism isn’t a word used in many Unitarian Universalist circles. I understand the history and baggage attached to it. However, our work with the children and youth of our congregations is a form of evangelism. If we provide them this tool, this gift, we can help them to live their lives closer to the seven principles. In another world they call this salvation. It’s fun work if you can get it.

I can think of no better way to help our congregations and denomination grow than through non-UU’s encounters with UU’s with these skills, this gift we have given our children and our families.

I leave this discussion with a charge for each of you.

As Unitarian Universalists

May we always support our children and youth in their explorations and expressions of worship.

May we always promote their efforts to build community between themselves, and with the church.

May we always assist them with their ideas and projects that further social action.

May we always make available tools and resources necessary to help them with learning.

May we always encourage the development of their leadership skills and support youth development and empowerment.

Smote it be.

Amen, Shalom and Blessed Be

[1] http://www.emersonimages.com/market/m2_h.html
[2] From Discover and color our UU Principles distributed by the UUA Bookstore.
[3] From Life Prayers: 365 Prayers, Blessings, and Affirmations to Celebrate the Human Journey by Elizabeth Roberts & Elias Amidon. HarperCollins Publishers.