Belonging

• Reading from Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD
• Sermon Belonging by William E. Hartung

Reading

from Kitchen Table Wisdom
by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD

"While attachment has its source in the personality, in what Buddhists refer to as the 'desire nature,' commitment comes from the soul. In relationship to life, just as in human relationships attachment closes down options, commitment opens them up. Modern life has made us people of attachment rather than people of commitment. Indeed, many people have found that it is difficult to tell the difference between attachment and commitment in their own lives. Yet attachment leads farther and farther into entrapment. Commitment, though it may sometimes feel constricting, will ultimately lead to greater degrees of freedom. Both involve in the moment an experience of holding, sometimes against the flow of events or against temptation. One can distinguish between the two in most situations by noticing over time whether one has moved through this activity or this relationship closer to freedom or closer to bondage. Attachment is a reflex, an automatic response which often may not reflect our deepest good. Commitment is a conscious choice, to align ourselves with our most genuine values and our sense of purpose."

Sermon

Belonging

by William E. Hartung

GENERAL

We all want to belong. Whether it is to a pick-up basketball game, a golf club, a really neat work group, a religious community, or a prestigious organization. We all want to belong.

Not to be chosen for a team for a pick-up game of basketball is a blow to our self-image. It reflects an opinion of the group that we are not worthy, that we are lacking in some important respect. The same is true for the other organizations I mentioned, yes, even religious communities.

To affirm this last statement all I have to do is to cast my mind back ten years and recall how we, here at UUCSS, were so intolerant and non-accepting of homosexuals. There are many people sitting here this morning who have personally experienced all kinds of rejection and felt it as cruel blow to their self.

Belonging is vitally important to us as human animals. Being a monk or a hermit is an anomaly, not the norm in our species. Belonging and being in relationship with others is self affirming. When we are accepted by others, we understand at a deep level that we are being told that we are worthy, that who we are is good.

When we are born, we belong to our mother and our family. The treatment an infant receives from its mother is vital, literally vital, i.e., essential to life. Many in the medical profession now recognize that physical contact with infants is essential to their health. If infants, especially those in isolettes, do not receive some physical human contact, physical stroking, they have a lowered likelihood of survival. That is how important belonging is.

Our first really powerful attachments are to the other members of our family. As we grow, we begin to expand our circle of belonging to include other children during play times.

LEARNING ACCEPTANCE

At some point we begin to be choosy about the group to whom we belong. We identify others as like us or not like us. The natural tendency of we human animals is to seek to belong to a group that is like us. It is at this point in child development that parental and cultural influences are important.

I learned to be accepting of others so long as they weren't too different from me. This is the way the culture was when I was a child and it reflected the norms of my parents.

In spite of these teachings, I seem to have developed relatively weak biases. I believe that this was due primarily to the fact that, when I was young, I had very little contact with people who were significantly different from myself. Later, when I began to be exposed to people who were significantly different from myself I found there was no particular reason to declare them other and to shun them.

If a child is taught to be accepting of others as they are, however different they may appear, then it will grow up as an open and accepting person. The resulting gain to this child, will be a life richer in experience and broader in scope. We who have been stretching ourselves to be accepting of others have this as personal knowledge and we can affirm the value of these lessons.

Then, as the human animal reaches puberty and adolescence, belonging takes on a new and more weighty importance. Peer groups can be brutally important. We all know examples of what can happen when the need to belong becomes overpowering.

COMMITMENT

Part of the power of groups comes from the adjunct to belonging. In this regard belonging is just like freedom. In the case of freedom, the adjunct is responsibility; in the case of belonging, it is commitment. To be really free, one must, per force, be responsible for what one does freely. Similarly, to really belong to anyone or to any group one must be committed to it, one must participate. This is true at all levels. I cannot really belong to my family group unless I participate in it. I must see, touch, and be with them; I must listen to them and I they must listen to me. In sum, I must be committed to my family.

It is out of my commitment to, and participation in the groups to which I belong that those groups gain their strength and power to act. This is true at all levels. A peer group is powerful because each member is committed to it and participates in its dictums. This religious community gains it power from our commitment to it and from our participation and contribution of time and money. When we don't participate we are saying, "I don't really belong here," and, we are saying we are not committed.

WITHHOLDING COMMITMENT

As a part of sexual development we date. Eventually, most of us, choose to belong to another person in a very special relationship. One which is characterized by a powerful commitment to the other. The strength of these matching commitments defines the character of this relationship. If it is strong, it will last. If the commitment is weak or lacking, it will soon end.

Our County, State, and National governments all gain their power from our membership or belonging and by our commitment and contributions. If we don't vote, we are saying we don't want to belong. Yet, when we look around, I don't think that we see anyone wanting to move to another country. If we don't behave as though we really belong here and participate actively, we are saying "I don't really belong here." When we ignore the laws which were established to protect us all we are saying "I don't really care." We are declaring that we are not committed to our society and our country.

It may seem like this costs us nothing. But I ask you to recall what Rachel Naomi Remen wrote in the reading this morning: "Commitment, though it may sometimes feel constricting, will ultimately lead to greater degrees of freedom."

When we shy away from committing ourselves to a group to which we belong, we can never know the full extent of the good that we can gain by fully participating. Commitment is much like love. If we can truly love someone, unconditionally, we find ourselves swept up by it and enriched to a level of experience we could not have imagined.

It is the same for commitment. Since I have fully committed myself to this religious community I have felt enriched, enlarged and expanded. My boundaries have begun to crumble. I am enormously richer, in the best sense of that word.

RECIPROCITY

Belonging is a reciprocal experience. When I belong, the others to whom I belong also then belong to me. I belong to this religious community and you belong to me; I value you just as you value me. I am committed to you just as you are committed to me.

You might start to argue with me on this because you might be thinking of attachment or possession rather than belonging. In possession, there is the illusion that the person who possesses another person, e.g., in an abusive kind of marriage, the husband thinks he owns his wife. In reality, the wife also owns the husband for he cannot do without her. This mutual bondage can be the basis for the typical murder-suicide we hear about. Dr. Remen would identify this as "attachment" which leads to greater and greater bondage. Certainly this rings true. Closer to home, you may say that you own your dog or cat, but you also know that they own you; I think that the reality is that you belong to each other.

Recall what Dr. Remen said about the difference between attachment and commitment: "While attachment has its source in the personality, in what Buddhists refer to as the 'desire nature,' commitment comes from the soul."

CHOICE

Just as in Freedom and Responsibility, Belonging and Commitment do not seem to occur together as a matter of course in our culture. Many are under the illusion that freedom means that they are free to do what they please and have no responsibility their actions. Similarly, it appears that commitment does not automatically spring up from a sense of belonging. Commitment is a choice just as responsibility is a choice. In both cases we must make the choice to honor (grant respect to) the others who are involved. In the case of our personal freedom, we must be responsible for our actions. In the case of belonging we must commit ourselves to those to whom we wish to belong.

When I was very young, I learned about duties and obligations rather than commitment. Using these words is unfortunate because it tends to cloud the reality that it is a choice. Duties and obligations are weights place upon us; whereas commitments are what we choose.

Nevertheless, duties and obligation were an important part of my education, both at my mother's knee and at school. I was taught that, if I belonged to a group, I had an obligation to that group and if I failed to honor that obligation, then I was remiss.

I was in grammar school during World War II. During those times, duties and obligations were the glue that held our entire society together. Again, it is unfortunate that we couldn't call it commitment.

If I started to slack off from attending football practice I would be "talked to" by my mother. Her admonition would go something like: "I notice that you aren't going to the football practices any more; You don't seem to be interested in it any more so why don't you be honest about it and quit."

OTHER ASPECTS OF BELONGING

Notice that my mother brought the element of honesty into the equation; and I must make clear to you that in my education honesty was not just the best policy, it was the only policy worth even considering. Honesty belongs in this equation because, if it is true that belonging carries with it an obligation, then I am lying to myself so long as I continue to "belong" but fail to act as a member. And, like all lies, I am hurt by it for my integrity is broken. And, when my integrity is broken I am broken.

One way of understanding integrity is to say that it is the coherence between the conscious and unconscious mind. It means I can sleep well at night and not have nightmares.

Of course, all the other members of the group are also hurt by my failure because I have withheld myself. When I lack commitment, I don't participate and contribute my talents and abilities to the group; and the group is diminished by my withdrawal.

Sometimes, belonging to a group can be upsetting. If we are made the brunt of the ridicule of the members then we may find it better to quit. By their actions the other members of the group have failed in their commitment to treat each other with honor and respect, assuming that this is a group code of conduct. In some groups, it may not be. Families for instance.

Many people have had very difficult experiences in the family of their youth. Their experience has been so difficult, that they don't really want to belong to that family. They actively avoid contact, and in so doing, they deny belonging to them.

I have done this with the Democratic Party. I have become so disenchanted with the current state of this organization that I have avoided all contact with them. I refuse to respond to their mailings and I will not contribute to them. I am no longer committed to the party; but, I must say that I am still committed to being a small-"d" democrat.

NEED TO BELONG

This need to belong, to be a part of something outside of ourselves is a powerful drive. It seems as though we find ourselves to be insufficient. We are not enough by ourselves; we need to be more, to be bigger. When we don't belong to somebody or group, we feel lonely. And yet, we also seek to be whole, to be a lamp unto ourselves.

The flip side of this need to belong is that we are deathly afraid to commit ourselves. We have a great fear of being hurt, of being accepted and then rejected. We fear betrayal.

It seems we are seeking something much larger than just a group of friends or a religious community or even an ethnic group or a nation. We are seeking something larger than life. I believe that we are seeking to belong to the universe; and, to have the universe belong to us. Here, for the word universe, you may substitute the word Infinite (with a capital "I", or even the word "God"). You know that statement "You are made of star dust." Every time I hear it spoken I feel some deep chord sounding within me.

Yet our fear of commitment stops us here as it does at every level of activity. How can we possible trust that the Universe, the Infinite with a capital "I," will not fail us? How can we possibly have faith that the Infinity is committed to us?

In spite of what you see outside, spring is around the corner. You may already be imagining what you will be doing in April. The universe is tuning up for a great show, just for you.

To commit to the Infinite, we seek a commitment from It with a capital "I," to our own worth and value. We hesitate in committing ourselves to the universe, and everything in it, for we are fearful that we will be disappointed.

Certainly it can never be a constant joy. But we know that already. So I suggest that when we throw open the doors of our heart, when we really let it all in, the commitment will seem almost easy. Can we really let ourselves go that far? Can we trust the universe to be committed to us?

I must make it clear here that I am using the words universe and Infinite as a way of expressing my belief in the divinity of everything in the universe, including me. So you may wish to translate me words into those which make sense to you, such as God, as a general creative force or a person.

In any case, I believe that we are seeking the divine in everything that exists, and we are seeking value in ourselves, the divine in us. This is the ultimate in belonging, and it has the ultimate commitment, total acceptance of the universe as good and valuable.

Can we jump off this ledge and feel secure in our faith? Will we find that we belong and are not alone? Will our soul find peace in this unification with the whole? Are we able to commit ourselves to our faith in the goodness of the universe?

I found a great boost to my faith on this issue after I read Kitchen Table Wisdom by Dr. Remen. In particular, I was gripped with the insight illuminated in a small story. Since she has told it so well in her own words, I will read it to you now. The title of her story is WHAT IF GOD BLINKS?

"When I was small, God was still discussed in the public schools. I remember one assembly in which our principal, a fundamentalist, delivered a fire-and-brimstone kind of sermon to the entire grammar school. She read a passage from the Bible to us and told us it was important that we kneel and pray three times a day because we needed to remind God that we were there. Thinking back, she may not have said this in so many words, but this is what I took away. You prayed because you had to make Him look at you. If God turned His face from you, she told the hushed assembly of children, you would wither up and die, like an autumn leaf. And this part I am sure of, she actually held up a large dried and withered leaf. Even as a five-year-old it seemed to me that God had a lot of other things on His mind besides me. And in between the times that I was praying, He might blink and then what would become of me? I remember the fear, the enormous terror. What if God blinks? I became so obsessed with this question, so fearful, I was unable to sleep. "My parents were young socialists who considered religion to be 'the opiate of the masses,' and my grandfather, who was a rabbi, was my only connection to a reality larger than social well-being and the class struggle. When I was this small, I actually thought of God as a friend of his, like the men who came over to smoke cigars and play gin rummy in our kitchen with my father. "As these fears were not something I could discuss with my parents, I had to wait until my grandfather visited. It was probably only a few days, but I remember the waiting. I don't think you can feel such anguish and aloneness as an adult. You have to be very young. "When I finally got my grandfather to myself I told him what had happened. Shaking, I asked him the fearful question: 'What if God blinks?' and at last my terror overwhelmed me and I leaned against his shoulder and began to cry. My grandfather stroked my hair to comfort me. Despite his gentleness he seemed distressed and even angry. "But in his usual calm way, he answered my question with some questions of his own. 'Nashume-le,' he said (and by the way, for years I thought that my grandfather's name for me meant 'Little Naomi' -- it actually means 'Little Soul'), 'if you woke up in the night in your room, would you know if your mother and father had gone out and left you alone in the house?' Still crying, I nodded yes. 'How would you know that?' he asked. 'Would you see them and look at them?' I shook my head no. "'Would you hear them?'" "'No.'" "'Could you touch them?'" "By then I had stopped crying and I remember puzzling over his questions because it seemed obvious to me that I would simply know that I wasn't alone in the house. I told him this and he nodded, pleased. 'Good! Good! That's how God knows you're there. He doesn't need to look at you to know that you are there. He just knows. In just the same way you know that God is there. You just know that He is there and you're not alone in the house.' "God's presence in the house is an inner experience that never changes. It's a relationship that's there all the time, even when we're not paying attention to it. Perhaps the Infinite holds us to Itself in the same way the earth does. Like gravity, if it ever stopped we would know it instantly. But it never does. This inner knowing is a way in which I orient myself, an unfailing point of reference. Its effect on my life is as profound, as deep as gravity's influence on my body. More than anything else, my sense of not being alone in the house has been what has allowed me to accompany people as they meet with pain, illness, and sometimes death."

My fervent prayer is that each one of us might know, to the core of our being, that we are never alone and that, always and everywhere, we belong. I wish for all of you is that your search for belonging might be satisfied and that you are filled with a commitment to uncover the good in us all.

So may it be.